Glamour, Sophistication and Pre-Approved Gags: Global Football Event Goes to Washington D.C..

The listings for the John F. Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. shows a fun dual-language performance and an improvised theatrical company. Conspicuously missing from the advertised schedule is the upcoming Geopolitics World Cup draw, likely because it is a exclusively invitation-only affair. Officials appear determined to keep out any uninvited attendees from showing up at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-congratulatory ceremony where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly echo the tired cliche that "football unites the world."

A Star-Studded Hosting Team

This glitzy event is set to be hosted by former model and TV host Heidi Klum alongside small-statured American standup comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Joining the celebrity roster will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roaming correspondent. Together, they will host a production that will certainly have English football fans nostalgic for missing the halcyon, unpretentious days of Graham Taylor, FA officials, the old draw system and a trusty fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Set to last the thick end of three torturous hours, the event will include a seemingly endless agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine highlight reels, scripted jokes, famous faces, musical turns from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... finally, the real World Cup draw.

Icons of Sport on Ceremony Duty

Included in those helping to conducting the ceremony? Basketball legend Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, football quarterback legend Tom Brady and MLB slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting balls under the supervision of former defender Rio Ferdinand. Given the vast, untapped reservoir of personality exhibited by these ageing sporting legends, short of an armed snatch-squad crashing the event, it's difficult to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, very little, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more accessible for non-millionaires, the response was vague. "I think we have to be conscious of that and I think FIFA are definitely people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every sector, we could have that conversation about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that high prices are acceptable when compared with other high-end goods.

The Football Business

With over forty teams already qualified for next year's jamboree and another six due to join, there will be a genuine feeling of giddiness once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw gets under way. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three teams their particular country will face in the group stages, the suspense will be nothing compared to that which comes before the announcement of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering dedication and special actions." Considering the draw is in Washington and the World Cup is primarily in the US, speculation about the winner are ripe, even if the clues are apparent.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My relationship with him is rock solid really. I have a truly open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach whose side on a five-game losing streak, offering a classic quote-that-will-definitely-get-resurfaced if/when a dismissal occur in the future.

Readers' Letters

• "Further to the discussion of a possible club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at a Premier League club who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to football games in the 80s/90s, when the answer was 'Keith', a common jest was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as redundant as an extra official."
• "Concern is growing ahead of FIFA's World Cup draw: just what catchy ditty will certain performers come up with if a certain individual refuses to leave the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"